Talk Like a Pirate?

 

“ARRRRGH!”  Quoth I to my patient who had seated himself upon the chair closest to the door.  “Avast ye, matey!  What art thou a-doing here, ye scurvy knave?”

“Ahm,” spake my patient, seriously discomfited with my fiercesome manner of speech.  “Excuse me?”

“Arrrgh!”  I said again.  “I said, what be ye doin’ here, ya land lubber?”

“I’m here for my check up,”  my patient answered, in a feeble voice.  “You were going to check on my sugars…”

“And what have ye been eatin’?”  I queried.  “Shiver me Timbers!  Mayhap ye have been chasing Little Debbie around the Kitchen – if ye catch my drift or Perhaps doing a Tango with the Twinkies.  We’ll do blood work for certain!  I’ll draw it with my very own cutlass and if I find that your sugars are high – why – why, I’ll keel-haul ye!”

A trace of fear passed across the visage of the gentleman sitting across from me.  “Why are you talking like that?”  He questioned me.  “Where’s my doctor?”

“I am your doctor!”  I cried in a loud voice.  “I am the Dread Doctor Waldron, Scourge of the Spanish Main and Viceroy of Delhi!  Look upon me, ye mortal and cower in fear!”

I could have cut the silence that entered the room with my cutlass.

“I’m going to send you to the leaches to draw some of thy blood,” I proclaimed.  “You scallywag, If I find thy A1C is up, why I’ll make you walk the plank!  I’ll feed you to the sharks!  I’ll have you see the inside of the Locker of Mr. Davy Jones himself!”

“Oh,” I finished.  “Listen, you bilge rat, I would have you hear that our office will be sending you a survey in a few days.  If ye value your scurvy self, ye will see that the marks are high.  All tens, you hear?”

International Talk Like a Pirate Day is only a month away.  September 19^th is the official day and Pirate Waldron would recommend that ye practice a little ahead of time.  Ye wouldn’t like to be caught napping by the Coast Guard, now would ye?

Tis fortunate that above dialogue is simply a figment of my (overly active) imagination.  For, while it might feel good to wax piratical when dealing with others in our lives, it is unlikely to help most situations.  I believe that most of my patients would prefer to seek attention from a medical man who does not speak like a pirate nor listen to medical advice from a doctor who rants and raves like Blackbeard on his third bottle of grog.

The Apostle Paul wrote to the assembly at Colosse, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person.”

Those who are wise would do well, to be certain, not only of what they say, but of how they say it.  For oft times a man will listen to a gently phrased encouragement, while he will stir up a hurricane when he feels under attack.

Personally, I think that I will forego piratical curses on September 19^th in favor of words with kinder phrasing -- and not just to help my office surveys.  I may even leave my cutlass at home too.